Why Men Pull Away
We men are simple creatures. We love our women and if we are in love with you, our number one goal is pleasing you.
However we can’t reasonably do that which we don’t know how to do.
Sometimes things need to be spelled out for us.
Sometimes they even need to be spelled out VERY clearly. (As in speak very slowly and repeat as necessary.)
We need to be taught the things that please you (and I really hesitate to use this phrase but here goes!) much like dogs need to be taught the difference between bad behaviors and good.
We are men and we (often) need to be trained. Training us however is not to be confused with changing us, and that I think is where miscommunication often begins and confusion sets in.
Why Do Men Pull Away?
A woman can often feel as though her man is pulling away or no longer seems to be that interested in her and sometimes, this results because he is feeling too much pressure to be someone he is not.
As I stated before we men are simple creatures and we love to please our women but the minute we feel you are trying to change us, something shifts internally.
We start pulling away and finding excuses to distance ourselves from you and what we see as a nosedive into a black abyss of misery.
Men have an innate need to be loved truly and deeply for their real selves. Not for the man you want them to be or the man you think they could be… but for the man they really are, right here and right now.
Anything less is like slow suffocation and the death of true happiness.
But how do you show a man you love the real him, flaws and all? Well let’s start by articulating one of the ways you don’t show him you love the real him.
What Pushes a Guy Away Fast?
Criticizing and nagging (which go hand in hand together and we talk about quite a bit in GirlGetsRing) is a surefire way to push a man away from you. It shows him that you don’t love the real him. This makes him immediately feel you’re trying to change him by sparking the whole “I like/love you… but I’d like/love you a whole lot more if…” mental loop.
This particular mental loop can be the death of any love or attraction between the two of you, in a very permanent kind of way. What person wants to feel they have to prove something to their mate just to be loved?
If you are constantly criticizing him over his choice of friends or nagging him about his habit of leaving his clothes in the floor, or harping because he smokes cigars (despite knowing full well he smoked when you met him) you begin to morph into someone he wasn’t expecting.
Instead of seeing you as that hot, carefree girl he fell head over heels for on the beach that one night, he suddenly begins to see a chick that looks a lot like… his Mom.
Yikes. Not sexy!
None of this is to say men can’t take criticism; only that there are much more effective ways of getting what you want from a man.
Ways that don’t include nagging or criticizing or making him feel as though you want to change him.
Because what you are really telling him by doing those things is that he isn’t enough, as is.
The real man isn’t cutting it and he’s not living up to your expectations. Talk about wilting the flower.
How To Stop Pushing Him Away…
If you’ve ever heard the saying you catch more flies with honey… well honey it is so true!
It may sound strange, but men respond remarkably well to positive language and behaviors (as opposed to criticism and nagging) coupled with refreshingly blunt honesty.
It’s just how we roll. (OK most of us anyway.)
So cut the criticism and nagging and exchange it for the KISS formula, which I explain in-depth GGR. Just be careful because this method is super powerful and if abused can really damage your relationship even more than nagging or criticism can.
But what is this mysterious KISS formula? And how can it help save my relationship?
Simple Technique To Keep a Guy:
Tell him what you like or don’t like (this is the refreshingly blunt honesty part). An then tell him how it makes you feel (this is the part where you use positive language and behaviors to do it).
Pretty easy right?
So the high pitched shriek of “Geez, why can’t you just ever take out the garbage without me asking you to?!” turns into something like “Honey, I really love it when you take out the garbage without me having to ask first… it really makes me feel like you appreciate me.”
You might even offer him a kiss as further incentive to continue to “appreciate you”.
As I said before… kind of like dog training. 🙂
Positive reinforcement works and it makes a man so much more receptive to actually hearing what you’re trying to say, rather than polarizing him into running screaming in a completely different direction. Thus making you feel as though he’s pulling away from you.
Which he is in fact probably doing, but it’s no doubt a very easily corrected situation, if you’re willing to modify your own behavior too.
In GGR I talk about the KISS formula more extensively and go into some of the ways it can be used effectively, as well as when this formula shouldn’t be used.
So how about you?
Have you found you tend to catch more flies with honey in your relationships? Do you feel like your man is pulling away from you and suspect it could be due to behaviors like nagging? Do you feel he’s pulling away for other reasons?
Or, have you changed things for the better? Remember it might seem unfair sometimes, but change always starts with you.
You have the power to steer your love life in a better direction, so break out that compass!